My Shits and Giggles

This little guy can sing and talk, and quote from movies. Amazing!

Season 1

Jack: Permission to barge in, sir?

Daniel: How is it that you always manage to come up with the worst case scenario?
Jack: I practice.

Teal’c: What is an Oprah?

Jack: Lucy, I’m home!
Teal’c: I am not Lucy.

Daniel: This tastes like chicken.
Sam: So what’s wrong with it?
Daniel: It’s macaroni and cheese.

Daniel: I think they’re a family.
Jack: Of what?

Teal’c: Are you considering the same tactic as I?
Jack: Teal’c, the cliche is, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking” and the answer’s yes.

Daniel: The Pentagon said this was everything.
Jack: Oh, please! The Pentagon’s lost entire countries!

Jack: We’ll cross that bridge when we come it.
Bra’tac: No, the bridge is too well-guarded.

Jack: I’m not a big fan of that “bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog” stuff.

Hammond: Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people’s affairs!
Jack: Since when?

Hammond: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn on the lights around here.
Jack: How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage–
Hammond: This is what I look like when I’m not laughing, Colonel.
Jack: Car wash?

Daniel: Oh, you’re right! We’ll — we’ll just upload a computer virus into the mothership!

Season 2

Jack: Now, I suppose this is the time for me to say something profound…Nothing comes to mind.

Jack: Teal’c, look scary and take point.

Teal’c: The destruction of the hammer device in order to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Jack: General, I gave the order.
Daniel: I fired the staff at the machine.
Sam: And I was…there.

Teal’c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will, in fact, calm up.

Daniel: This is the Hall of Might?
Sam: What were you expecting?
Daniel: I don’t know…maybe a hall?

Teal’c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Jack: It’s wild horses, Teal’c.

Jack: General, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.

Daniel: We’re here to seek the Tok’ra.
Jack: Assuming, of course, you are the Tok’ra.
Tok’ra: And if we’re not?
Jack: Well, I guess we all start shooting. There’s blood, death, hard feelings…it’d suck.

Maybourne: Teal’c! It’s good to see you well.
Teal’c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.

Daniel: Uh, w-well, my translation’s a bit vague, um, I think the circle means ‘the place of our legacy’ … or it could be ‘a piece of our leg’ but the first seems to make more sense.

Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal’c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.

Airmen: [in Russian] Are you Soviet spies?
Daniel: [In Russian] No.

Jack: It’s true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Daniel: From a galaxy far, far away.

Season 3

Hammond: What just happened?
Jack: Apparently, we said hello, insulted each other, and broke for recess.

Jack: I’d like to apologize in advance for anything I may say, or do, that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

Sam: Sir, he’s not a Goa’uld.
Jack: And? But? So? Therefore?

Jack: Do you read the Bible, Teal’c?
Teal’c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O’Neill?
Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I’m listening to it on tape. Don’t tell me how it ends.

Hibbard: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Jack: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

Capt. Rogers: We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. [Slyly] Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Jack: And that information could save your life someday.

Jack: Oh my. There is a distinct lack of optimism in this room.

Jack: How is a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ears?

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack: Is that a “money back if you’re not completely alive” guarantee?

Hammond: Can we determine what threat they pose?
Jack: Apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger.

Teal’c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack: One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.
Daniel: A fool’s paradise is a wise man’s hell.
Jack: Never run with…scissors?

Jack: Au revoir. It’s French, it means…ciao!

Rigar: Let us talk about your friend in the woods.
Jack: I have no friends, in the woods or otherwise.

Rigar: “Wormholes?”
Jack: Giant worms. Huge.

Jack: Hey, if you’d been listening, you’d know that Nintendos pass through everything!

Jack: [Teal'c is doing a spacewalk] Say something!
Teal’c: One small step for Jaffa.
Jack: Very nice.

Season 4

Daniel: Wait a minute, you’re actually saying you need someone dumber than you are?
Jack: You may have come to the right place.
Hammond: Thor, with all due respect, we need SG-1 here.
Sam: I could go, sir.
Jack: I don’t know, Carter. You may not be dumb enough.
Sam: I think I can handle it.

Daniel: Their whole world is in flames and we’re offering them gasoline! How is that help?
Teal’c: We are in fact offering them water.
Daniel: I was speaking metaphorically.
Teal’c: Well, stop it! It’s not fair to Teal’c.

Jack: I’m telling you Teal’c, if we don’t find a way out of this soon, I’m going to lose it. Lose it, it means go crazy. Nut. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one’s faculties, three fries short of a happy meal, wacko!

Hammond: [Seeing Jack and Teal'c golfing through the stargate] Colonel O’Neill, what the hell are you doing?
Jack: In the middle of my backswing?

Jack: Holy frozen bad guy!

Teal’c: Trust in me, O’Neill.
Jack: What if I’m not O’Neill?
Teal’c: Then I was not talking to you.

Sam: The question is, will they listen?
Jack: No, the real question is, will they have ears?

Daniel: You know, I’ve never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn’t we have donuts or something?

Daniel: Maktal shree! Loktak mekta satak…Oz!
Goa’uld: Maktal Oz?
Daniel: Maktal Oz, kree!
Goa’uld: Kaltak shree, tal manak!
Jacob: Alright, we’re almost finished. Sam’s just finishing up.
Daniel: Uh…that’s good cause I don’t think they bought my act.
Jacob: Why? Who’d you say you were?
Daniel: The uh…Great and Powerful Oz.

Teal’c: We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

Hammond: What’s it doing? [referring to the MALP]
Sam: Flying, sir.
Jack: MALPs can’t fly!
Daniel: Apparently they can.
Jack: Shouldn’t there be a memo on this stuff?

Jack: Something wrong?
Sam: No. I’ve just never blown up a star before.
Jack: Well, they say the first one’s always the hardest.

Season 5

Jack: We brought dinner and a movie.
Teal’c: Star Wars!
Jack: Teal’c's seen it, what, eight times?
Teal’c: Nine!
Jack: Nine times. If Teal’c likes it, it’s gotta be OK.
Sam: You’ve never seen Star Wars?
Jack: Well, you know me and sci-fi…

Jack: I have great confidence in you, Carter. Go on back to the SGC and…confuse Hammond.

Sam: Daniel and Teal’c?
Jack: They’re in the village. Still trying to convince the folks we’re friendly elves.

Vallarin: Wait here.
Daniel: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone, and I’ll wait here in the dark room alone.

Jack: Do you people practice being vague?

Jack: They don’t get excited in general, General. It’s like an entire planet of accountants.

Maybourne: Gonna turn me in?
Jack: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.

Sam: Is there any chance you can get the Russians to give us their DHD?
Daniel: Not without giving back Alaska.

Jack: It’s always suicide mission this, save the planet that. No one ever just stops by to say hi anymore.

Jacob: Daniel? How’s it going?
Daniel: Oh, swell. It’s kind of like Goa’uld Mardi Gras around here.

Sam: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we’ve calculated its length from end-to-end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack: I’ve seen this movie. It hits Paris.

Jack: You know, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that this is a very poorly designed bomb, and I think we should say something to somebody about it when we get back.

Season 6

Sam: So, what? We call Anubis up and ask him to stop?
McKay: Yeah, “Hey Anubis, you’re playing it a little over the top, can you get serious, please?”

Jonas: Mmm, I’m really starting to enjoy this traditional American food.
Sam: We have another tradition. It’s called “hardened arteries.”

Jack: Though a candle burns in my house…there’s nobody home.

Sam: Well, according to their commander, the Kelownan government wants to reestablish trade relations with Earth.
Jack: I hope you diplomatically told them where to shove it.

Sam: So what didn’t they go for?
Jack: The name I suggested.
Sam: For the ship?
Jack: Yeah.
Sam: Yeah, sir, we can’t call it the Enterprise.

First: We are inside your unconscious mind right now.
Jack: You’d think there’d be more lights on.

Teal’c: The Celts were formidable warriors in their time. Their descendants may make valuable allies.
Jack: You’ve seen Braveheart too often.

Teal’c: I would prefer not to consume bovine lactose at any temperature.

Jack: Don’t forget to tell him you screwed up again!
Jonas: Is it really necessary to further antagonize him?
Jack: Yes!

Season 7

Jack: I thought we were going with Red Leader on this one.

Teal’c: Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O’Neill?
Jack: Hey, come on, that salsa’s still good.

Jack: It’s time for Plan B.
Sam: We have a Plan B?
Jack: No, but it’s time for one.

Teal’c: Daniel Jackson’s preliminary electroencephalograph proved anomalous.
Jack: I dare you to say that again.

Teal’c: You’re like a brother to me, O’Neill.
Jack: You’re like, what, 140?
Teal’c: A younger brother, perhaps. But that is not my point.

Teal’c: Knowing your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Daniel: Thank you Teal’c. This conversation has been disturbing on many levels.

Balinsky: Oh, Dr Jackson’s gonna die when he sees this!
Dixon: What, again?

Jack: You are so shallow.
Daniel: Oh, please! Teal’c is like one of the deepest people I know. He’s so deep. Come on, tell ‘em how deep you are. You’ll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal’c: My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Daniel: Oooh, y’see!
Jack: No more beer for you.

Jack: I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for…food.

Daniel: Sphere: planet. Label: name.
Jack: Following. Still. You. Not.

Season 8

Weir: Yu?
Daniel: Don’t. Every joke, every pun, done to death, seriously.

Jack: I’ve spent my whole life sticking it to the Man. If I do this, I’ll be the Man. I don’t think I can be the Man.

Vaselov: Frankly, his attitude is offensive. It leads me to wonder if he knows the cold war is over.
Daniel: His attitude has nothing to do with you being Russian. He’s an equal opportunity offender.

Vaselov: Are you being discharged?
Daniel: Yeah, Dr. Brightman caught me stealing jello from the other patients’ trays, so she kicked me outta here.

Dr. Lee: [regarding alien plant] Well, the good news is, it hasn’t eaten anybody yet.
Jack: Well, thank you Seymour.

Ba’al: You dare mock me?
Jack: Ba’al, come on! You should know. Of COURSE I dare mock you.

Jack: Regular contact, no exceptions. The second things start getting a little squirrelly…
Daniel: Thank you.
Jack: Daniel! Squirelly!

Jack: Carter, all I heard was “matrix” and I found those films quite confusing.

Teal’c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.
Daniel: And if that doesn’t work?
Teal’c: A weapon is required.

Jack: They want a what?
Sam: A goat, sir.
Jack: You can tell them that lamb is far less gamey.
Sam: They want it for a ritual sacrifice.
Jack: Yeah, well, you can tell them that’s not going to happen.
Sam: Yeah, I was hoping you were going to say that.
Jack: They can have a pinata. That’s always fun.

Daniel: They’ll never see it coming.
Jack: Which is one of the advantages of a totally INSANE idea.
Daniel: Yeah, where’d I learn that from?

Daniel: Wait, you mean the Asgard took our gate?
Jack: Yeah, normally they ask nicely before they ignore us and do whatever they damn well want.

Vala: Oh, oh, oh, you hit me!
Daniel: You hit *me*.
Vala: Yeah, you know, we could just have sex instead.

Daniel: Uh, the name’s Olo. Hans Olo.

Maybourne: I get to name all kinds of stuff. You should see the Grateful Dead Burial Ground.

Jack: I’m sorry, I must have missed an episode.

Gordie: Furlings. They sound cute. Like Ewoks.

Jack: I’ve got a better idea. Instead of helping you, why don’t we sit around and watch you get your ass kicked? That way you’ll be dead, and we’ll be glad!
Ba’al: You cannot be serious.
Jack: Yes, I can. I just choose not to, some of the time.

Jacob: Come on, Sam, it can’t be any harder than blowing up a sun.
Sam: You know, you blow up one sun, and suddenly everyone expects you to walk on water. [It works] Next up, parting the Red Sea!

Jack: [after attaching one C4 to a door] Use two of those things!
Reynolds: Sir?
Jack: [with finger quotes] It’s a “blast door”!

Season 9

Mitchell: Wicked! …and empty.
Vala: I haven’t been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.

Landry: A general is only as good as the people he commands.
Jack: Who said that?
Landry: I just did. [pause] I mean, Douglas MacArthur may have said something similar.

Mitchell: Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr Daniel Jackson finds the one book.

Daniel: What the hell did you say?
Vala: I think at first it’s what I didn’t say. You see, apparently there’s a blessing you’re supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it’s what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then his wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation…with herself.

Landry: [about Vala] She accused the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee of having a, uh, let’s just call it “insufficient manhood”. She’s gotta go.

Daniel: The next idea we come up with has to be outside the box.
Sam: Okay, the gate is composed of individual units. There must be some sort of energy linkage between them, like a–like a chain.
Vala: Exactly, so we–
Mitchell: So we need a big ol’ set of bolt cutters.
Daniel: Ooh. Too far outside the box. Get closer to the box.

Mitchell: Witnesses?
Daniel: One. Some guy who was working overtime, spent most of the firefight under his desk, but was able to provide descriptions of three individuals: big, tattooed, chain mail pants.
Mitchell: So it’s either our Jaffa, or KISS is back on tour.

Prior: The Ori are all-seeing! They are already aware of this…affront to their eminence and shall strike down those who defy them.
Mitchell: [pauses, shrugs] Nothing yet, you?
Daniel: Drawing a blank. [pause] A little thirsty.
Mitchell: That doesn’t count.
Daniel: No.
Prior: Their movements are not so easily divined. Their ways are unseen and veiled in mystery.
Mitchell: Right, right, they have “a plan.” Don’t suppose you want to tell us what the plan is? For example, why did they send you to this galaxy in the first place?
Prior: We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.
Mitchell: No, you are dark side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen, but unfortunately, the home office hasn’t been quite upfront with you.
Daniel: Nice work on the metaphor.
Mitchell: Thank you.

Kane: Do you ever give up?
Daniel: Not til I’m dead. [pause] And sometimes, not even then.

Mitchell: Sir, I don’t mean to gripe.
Landry: Permission to gripe granted.

Mitchell: I’m telling you, today it’s escorting foreign delegates on off-world tours, tomorrow it’s comic book conventions and supermarket openings.

Daniel: This is interesting. It’s a reference to Merlin’s prophetic abilities. There’s a similar myth on Earth. That Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It’s not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen a lot of legends and folklore have a strong basis in fact — Avalon, Atlantis.
Teal’c: The Easter bunny.
Daniel: I guess there’s a few exceptions.

Season 10

Mitchell: I’m going with them.
Carter: Me too.
Emerson: It’s suicide.
Sam: Well, for Teal’c and Bra’tac, that’s not really an argument against going.

Mitchell: This place is deader than a Texas salad bar.

Mitchell: Ah, this place is Daniel Disneyland.

Ba’al: I understand your reluctance to trust me, so I’ll be succinct. It’s the clones. They want me dead.
Teal’c: That would make all of us.

Teal’c: It is ironic that not so long ago the mere presence of the Goa’uld on Earth would have been great cause for concern.
Sam: Seriously! Who’d ever think that we’d have bigger fish to fry? Or that you’d use the word “ironic” in a sentence?

[Jack is invisible]
Teal’c: I assume I am staring at you stoically.
Jack: Not buying it, eh?
Teal’c: No. You are most transparent, O’Neill.
Jack: Ohh, I get it. Good one.
Teal’c: I can see right through you.

Mitchell: Never underestimate your audience. They’re usually sensitive, intelligent people, who will respond positively to quality entertainment.
Teal’c: I do not understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode.

Daniel: Uh, you should probably prepare to fire.
Marks: For the record, I am always prepared to fire. I just have to press the button here.
Daniel: Right. I just–I thought that’s what you’re supposed to say, so…
Marks: I know.

Mitchell: Look, I know you have no reason to trust us any more than those guys.
Barkeep: I haven’t seen you shoot anyone.
Mitchell: …that’s an excellent point!

Ba’al: Looks like Merlin’s drawbridge no longer goes all the way across the moat, if you catch my meaning.

Mitchell: My grandma used to say, “God is like a prairie windstorm. If you look too hard, you get dust in your eyes, but there’s still plenty of ways to know it’s there.
Sam: Is that what you believe?
Mitchell: Actually, I generally just nodded until she gave me a macaroon.

Vala: Not to worry. If it comes down to it, I have a plan!
Daniel: Oh, you have a plan…Great. What is it?
Vala: Well…when I said that I had a plan, I meant that I have a plan…to plan. So when, or rather, if it comes down to it, I *will* have a plan. I’ve, uh, cleared my whole afternoon…for planning.

Mitchell: See! There’s always a widget left over.
Vala: I thought you were always one short?
Mitchell: Well, you’d think both was impossible, but it’s not.

Mitchell: Carter, Sunshine [Daniel] is awake.
Sam: That’s good, is he okay?
Mitchell: Well, he’s grumpy.
Sam: Can you ask him how he managed to cloak the ship?
Mitchell: [Daniel shrugs] He says magicians don’t reveal their secrets.

Mitchell: Intel looks good, we’ve got ourselves a space train full of evil Orville Reddenbacher.

Sylvana: Oh, please! You’re not rebels! We’re not deaf, you know. Everyone in this room knows it.
Daniel: That doesn’t matter! You’re hostages! We’re your…we’re your captors! We’re heavily armed! There’s rules! There’s a whole school of etiquette to this!

Seran: Murderous rebels, come in please.
Daniel: Speaking.

Teal’c: [walking away] Ten seconds.
Ba’kad: Where are you going?
Teal’c: I am leaving. You are about to explode.

Landry: Ba’al is *in* Adria?
Mitchell: Yes, sir. It’s the bad guy equivalent of Cordon Bleu.

Mitchell: I’ve said it before, I am for fighting to the death, but we need a plan, preferably one that avoids the ‘to the death’ part.

Mitchell: See, what we need is, we need Superman to fly around the ship really, really fast.
Sam: Oh, if you only knew how ridiculous that was.
Mitchell: No, it only sounds ridiculous ’til you hear yourself say, “I am trapped on a spaceship stuck in a time dilation field.”

Cats are superior creatures. It is known. This cat just demonstrates its superiority over dogs, by taking her dog for walk – and then back home.

Hamsters in Russia are wild and dangerous, so it seems:

This is hilarious, even without the soundtrack:

Word on the street is, this video has got to make you laugh.

That is, if you are not laughing, something is very wrong with you. So check yourself – are you human?