My Shits and Giggles

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Season 1

Jack: Permission to barge in, sir?

Daniel: How is it that you always manage to come up with the worst case scenario?
Jack: I practice.

Teal’c: What is an Oprah?

Jack: Lucy, I’m home!
Teal’c: I am not Lucy.

Daniel: This tastes like chicken.
Sam: So what’s wrong with it?
Daniel: It’s macaroni and cheese.

Daniel: I think they’re a family.
Jack: Of what?

Teal’c: Are you considering the same tactic as I?
Jack: Teal’c, the cliche is, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking” and the answer’s yes.

Daniel: The Pentagon said this was everything.
Jack: Oh, please! The Pentagon’s lost entire countries!

Jack: We’ll cross that bridge when we come it.
Bra’tac: No, the bridge is too well-guarded.

Jack: I’m not a big fan of that “bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog” stuff.

Hammond: Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people’s affairs!
Jack: Since when?

Hammond: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn on the lights around here.
Jack: How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage–
Hammond: This is what I look like when I’m not laughing, Colonel.
Jack: Car wash?

Daniel: Oh, you’re right! We’ll — we’ll just upload a computer virus into the mothership!

Season 2

Jack: Now, I suppose this is the time for me to say something profound…Nothing comes to mind.

Jack: Teal’c, look scary and take point.

Teal’c: The destruction of the hammer device in order to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Jack: General, I gave the order.
Daniel: I fired the staff at the machine.
Sam: And I was…there.

Teal’c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will, in fact, calm up.

Daniel: This is the Hall of Might?
Sam: What were you expecting?
Daniel: I don’t know…maybe a hall?

Teal’c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Jack: It’s wild horses, Teal’c.

Jack: General, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.

Daniel: We’re here to seek the Tok’ra.
Jack: Assuming, of course, you are the Tok’ra.
Tok’ra: And if we’re not?
Jack: Well, I guess we all start shooting. There’s blood, death, hard feelings…it’d suck.

Maybourne: Teal’c! It’s good to see you well.
Teal’c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.

Daniel: Uh, w-well, my translation’s a bit vague, um, I think the circle means ‘the place of our legacy’ … or it could be ‘a piece of our leg’ but the first seems to make more sense.

Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal’c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.

Airmen: [in Russian] Are you Soviet spies?
Daniel: [In Russian] No.

Jack: It’s true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Daniel: From a galaxy far, far away.

Season 3

Hammond: What just happened?
Jack: Apparently, we said hello, insulted each other, and broke for recess.

Jack: I’d like to apologize in advance for anything I may say, or do, that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

Sam: Sir, he’s not a Goa’uld.
Jack: And? But? So? Therefore?

Jack: Do you read the Bible, Teal’c?
Teal’c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O’Neill?
Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I’m listening to it on tape. Don’t tell me how it ends.

Hibbard: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Jack: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

Capt. Rogers: We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. [Slyly] Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Jack: And that information could save your life someday.

Jack: Oh my. There is a distinct lack of optimism in this room.

Jack: How is a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ears?

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack: Is that a “money back if you’re not completely alive” guarantee?

Hammond: Can we determine what threat they pose?
Jack: Apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger.

Teal’c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack: One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.
Daniel: A fool’s paradise is a wise man’s hell.
Jack: Never run with…scissors?

Jack: Au revoir. It’s French, it means…ciao!

Rigar: Let us talk about your friend in the woods.
Jack: I have no friends, in the woods or otherwise.

Rigar: “Wormholes?”
Jack: Giant worms. Huge.

Jack: Hey, if you’d been listening, you’d know that Nintendos pass through everything!

Jack: [Teal'c is doing a spacewalk] Say something!
Teal’c: One small step for Jaffa.
Jack: Very nice.

Season 4

Daniel: Wait a minute, you’re actually saying you need someone dumber than you are?
Jack: You may have come to the right place.
Hammond: Thor, with all due respect, we need SG-1 here.
Sam: I could go, sir.
Jack: I don’t know, Carter. You may not be dumb enough.
Sam: I think I can handle it.

Daniel: Their whole world is in flames and we’re offering them gasoline! How is that help?
Teal’c: We are in fact offering them water.
Daniel: I was speaking metaphorically.
Teal’c: Well, stop it! It’s not fair to Teal’c.

Jack: I’m telling you Teal’c, if we don’t find a way out of this soon, I’m going to lose it. Lose it, it means go crazy. Nut. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one’s faculties, three fries short of a happy meal, wacko!

Hammond: [Seeing Jack and Teal'c golfing through the stargate] Colonel O’Neill, what the hell are you doing?
Jack: In the middle of my backswing?

Jack: Holy frozen bad guy!

Teal’c: Trust in me, O’Neill.
Jack: What if I’m not O’Neill?
Teal’c: Then I was not talking to you.

Sam: The question is, will they listen?
Jack: No, the real question is, will they have ears?

Daniel: You know, I’ve never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn’t we have donuts or something?

Daniel: Maktal shree! Loktak mekta satak…Oz!
Goa’uld: Maktal Oz?
Daniel: Maktal Oz, kree!
Goa’uld: Kaltak shree, tal manak!
Jacob: Alright, we’re almost finished. Sam’s just finishing up.
Daniel: Uh…that’s good cause I don’t think they bought my act.
Jacob: Why? Who’d you say you were?
Daniel: The uh…Great and Powerful Oz.

Teal’c: We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

Hammond: What’s it doing? [referring to the MALP]
Sam: Flying, sir.
Jack: MALPs can’t fly!
Daniel: Apparently they can.
Jack: Shouldn’t there be a memo on this stuff?

Jack: Something wrong?
Sam: No. I’ve just never blown up a star before.
Jack: Well, they say the first one’s always the hardest.

Season 5

Jack: We brought dinner and a movie.
Teal’c: Star Wars!
Jack: Teal’c's seen it, what, eight times?
Teal’c: Nine!
Jack: Nine times. If Teal’c likes it, it’s gotta be OK.
Sam: You’ve never seen Star Wars?
Jack: Well, you know me and sci-fi…

Jack: I have great confidence in you, Carter. Go on back to the SGC and…confuse Hammond.

Sam: Daniel and Teal’c?
Jack: They’re in the village. Still trying to convince the folks we’re friendly elves.

Vallarin: Wait here.
Daniel: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone, and I’ll wait here in the dark room alone.

Jack: Do you people practice being vague?

Jack: They don’t get excited in general, General. It’s like an entire planet of accountants.

Maybourne: Gonna turn me in?
Jack: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.

Sam: Is there any chance you can get the Russians to give us their DHD?
Daniel: Not without giving back Alaska.

Jack: It’s always suicide mission this, save the planet that. No one ever just stops by to say hi anymore.

Jacob: Daniel? How’s it going?
Daniel: Oh, swell. It’s kind of like Goa’uld Mardi Gras around here.

Sam: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we’ve calculated its length from end-to-end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack: I’ve seen this movie. It hits Paris.

Jack: You know, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that this is a very poorly designed bomb, and I think we should say something to somebody about it when we get back.

Season 6

Sam: So, what? We call Anubis up and ask him to stop?
McKay: Yeah, “Hey Anubis, you’re playing it a little over the top, can you get serious, please?”

Jonas: Mmm, I’m really starting to enjoy this traditional American food.
Sam: We have another tradition. It’s called “hardened arteries.”

Jack: Though a candle burns in my house…there’s nobody home.

Sam: Well, according to their commander, the Kelownan government wants to reestablish trade relations with Earth.
Jack: I hope you diplomatically told them where to shove it.

Sam: So what didn’t they go for?
Jack: The name I suggested.
Sam: For the ship?
Jack: Yeah.
Sam: Yeah, sir, we can’t call it the Enterprise.

First: We are inside your unconscious mind right now.
Jack: You’d think there’d be more lights on.

Teal’c: The Celts were formidable warriors in their time. Their descendants may make valuable allies.
Jack: You’ve seen Braveheart too often.

Teal’c: I would prefer not to consume bovine lactose at any temperature.

Jack: Don’t forget to tell him you screwed up again!
Jonas: Is it really necessary to further antagonize him?
Jack: Yes!

Season 7

Jack: I thought we were going with Red Leader on this one.

Teal’c: Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O’Neill?
Jack: Hey, come on, that salsa’s still good.

Jack: It’s time for Plan B.
Sam: We have a Plan B?
Jack: No, but it’s time for one.

Teal’c: Daniel Jackson’s preliminary electroencephalograph proved anomalous.
Jack: I dare you to say that again.

Teal’c: You’re like a brother to me, O’Neill.
Jack: You’re like, what, 140?
Teal’c: A younger brother, perhaps. But that is not my point.

Teal’c: Knowing your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Daniel: Thank you Teal’c. This conversation has been disturbing on many levels.

Balinsky: Oh, Dr Jackson’s gonna die when he sees this!
Dixon: What, again?

Jack: You are so shallow.
Daniel: Oh, please! Teal’c is like one of the deepest people I know. He’s so deep. Come on, tell ‘em how deep you are. You’ll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal’c: My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Daniel: Oooh, y’see!
Jack: No more beer for you.

Jack: I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for…food.

Daniel: Sphere: planet. Label: name.
Jack: Following. Still. You. Not.

Season 8

Weir: Yu?
Daniel: Don’t. Every joke, every pun, done to death, seriously.

Jack: I’ve spent my whole life sticking it to the Man. If I do this, I’ll be the Man. I don’t think I can be the Man.

Vaselov: Frankly, his attitude is offensive. It leads me to wonder if he knows the cold war is over.
Daniel: His attitude has nothing to do with you being Russian. He’s an equal opportunity offender.

Vaselov: Are you being discharged?
Daniel: Yeah, Dr. Brightman caught me stealing jello from the other patients’ trays, so she kicked me outta here.

Dr. Lee: [regarding alien plant] Well, the good news is, it hasn’t eaten anybody yet.
Jack: Well, thank you Seymour.

Ba’al: You dare mock me?
Jack: Ba’al, come on! You should know. Of COURSE I dare mock you.

Jack: Regular contact, no exceptions. The second things start getting a little squirrelly…
Daniel: Thank you.
Jack: Daniel! Squirelly!

Jack: Carter, all I heard was “matrix” and I found those films quite confusing.

Teal’c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.
Daniel: And if that doesn’t work?
Teal’c: A weapon is required.

Jack: They want a what?
Sam: A goat, sir.
Jack: You can tell them that lamb is far less gamey.
Sam: They want it for a ritual sacrifice.
Jack: Yeah, well, you can tell them that’s not going to happen.
Sam: Yeah, I was hoping you were going to say that.
Jack: They can have a pinata. That’s always fun.

Daniel: They’ll never see it coming.
Jack: Which is one of the advantages of a totally INSANE idea.
Daniel: Yeah, where’d I learn that from?

Daniel: Wait, you mean the Asgard took our gate?
Jack: Yeah, normally they ask nicely before they ignore us and do whatever they damn well want.

Vala: Oh, oh, oh, you hit me!
Daniel: You hit *me*.
Vala: Yeah, you know, we could just have sex instead.

Daniel: Uh, the name’s Olo. Hans Olo.

Maybourne: I get to name all kinds of stuff. You should see the Grateful Dead Burial Ground.

Jack: I’m sorry, I must have missed an episode.

Gordie: Furlings. They sound cute. Like Ewoks.

Jack: I’ve got a better idea. Instead of helping you, why don’t we sit around and watch you get your ass kicked? That way you’ll be dead, and we’ll be glad!
Ba’al: You cannot be serious.
Jack: Yes, I can. I just choose not to, some of the time.

Jacob: Come on, Sam, it can’t be any harder than blowing up a sun.
Sam: You know, you blow up one sun, and suddenly everyone expects you to walk on water. [It works] Next up, parting the Red Sea!

Jack: [after attaching one C4 to a door] Use two of those things!
Reynolds: Sir?
Jack: [with finger quotes] It’s a “blast door”!

Season 9

Mitchell: Wicked! …and empty.
Vala: I haven’t been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.

Landry: A general is only as good as the people he commands.
Jack: Who said that?
Landry: I just did. [pause] I mean, Douglas MacArthur may have said something similar.

Mitchell: Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr Daniel Jackson finds the one book.

Daniel: What the hell did you say?
Vala: I think at first it’s what I didn’t say. You see, apparently there’s a blessing you’re supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it’s what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then his wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation…with herself.

Landry: [about Vala] She accused the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee of having a, uh, let’s just call it “insufficient manhood”. She’s gotta go.

Daniel: The next idea we come up with has to be outside the box.
Sam: Okay, the gate is composed of individual units. There must be some sort of energy linkage between them, like a–like a chain.
Vala: Exactly, so we–
Mitchell: So we need a big ol’ set of bolt cutters.
Daniel: Ooh. Too far outside the box. Get closer to the box.

Mitchell: Witnesses?
Daniel: One. Some guy who was working overtime, spent most of the firefight under his desk, but was able to provide descriptions of three individuals: big, tattooed, chain mail pants.
Mitchell: So it’s either our Jaffa, or KISS is back on tour.

Prior: The Ori are all-seeing! They are already aware of this…affront to their eminence and shall strike down those who defy them.
Mitchell: [pauses, shrugs] Nothing yet, you?
Daniel: Drawing a blank. [pause] A little thirsty.
Mitchell: That doesn’t count.
Daniel: No.
Prior: Their movements are not so easily divined. Their ways are unseen and veiled in mystery.
Mitchell: Right, right, they have “a plan.” Don’t suppose you want to tell us what the plan is? For example, why did they send you to this galaxy in the first place?
Prior: We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.
Mitchell: No, you are dark side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen, but unfortunately, the home office hasn’t been quite upfront with you.
Daniel: Nice work on the metaphor.
Mitchell: Thank you.

Kane: Do you ever give up?
Daniel: Not til I’m dead. [pause] And sometimes, not even then.

Mitchell: Sir, I don’t mean to gripe.
Landry: Permission to gripe granted.

Mitchell: I’m telling you, today it’s escorting foreign delegates on off-world tours, tomorrow it’s comic book conventions and supermarket openings.

Daniel: This is interesting. It’s a reference to Merlin’s prophetic abilities. There’s a similar myth on Earth. That Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It’s not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen a lot of legends and folklore have a strong basis in fact — Avalon, Atlantis.
Teal’c: The Easter bunny.
Daniel: I guess there’s a few exceptions.

Season 10

Mitchell: I’m going with them.
Carter: Me too.
Emerson: It’s suicide.
Sam: Well, for Teal’c and Bra’tac, that’s not really an argument against going.

Mitchell: This place is deader than a Texas salad bar.

Mitchell: Ah, this place is Daniel Disneyland.

Ba’al: I understand your reluctance to trust me, so I’ll be succinct. It’s the clones. They want me dead.
Teal’c: That would make all of us.

Teal’c: It is ironic that not so long ago the mere presence of the Goa’uld on Earth would have been great cause for concern.
Sam: Seriously! Who’d ever think that we’d have bigger fish to fry? Or that you’d use the word “ironic” in a sentence?

[Jack is invisible]
Teal’c: I assume I am staring at you stoically.
Jack: Not buying it, eh?
Teal’c: No. You are most transparent, O’Neill.
Jack: Ohh, I get it. Good one.
Teal’c: I can see right through you.

Mitchell: Never underestimate your audience. They’re usually sensitive, intelligent people, who will respond positively to quality entertainment.
Teal’c: I do not understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode.

Daniel: Uh, you should probably prepare to fire.
Marks: For the record, I am always prepared to fire. I just have to press the button here.
Daniel: Right. I just–I thought that’s what you’re supposed to say, so…
Marks: I know.

Mitchell: Look, I know you have no reason to trust us any more than those guys.
Barkeep: I haven’t seen you shoot anyone.
Mitchell: …that’s an excellent point!

Ba’al: Looks like Merlin’s drawbridge no longer goes all the way across the moat, if you catch my meaning.

Mitchell: My grandma used to say, “God is like a prairie windstorm. If you look too hard, you get dust in your eyes, but there’s still plenty of ways to know it’s there.
Sam: Is that what you believe?
Mitchell: Actually, I generally just nodded until she gave me a macaroon.

Vala: Not to worry. If it comes down to it, I have a plan!
Daniel: Oh, you have a plan…Great. What is it?
Vala: Well…when I said that I had a plan, I meant that I have a plan…to plan. So when, or rather, if it comes down to it, I *will* have a plan. I’ve, uh, cleared my whole afternoon…for planning.

Mitchell: See! There’s always a widget left over.
Vala: I thought you were always one short?
Mitchell: Well, you’d think both was impossible, but it’s not.

Mitchell: Carter, Sunshine [Daniel] is awake.
Sam: That’s good, is he okay?
Mitchell: Well, he’s grumpy.
Sam: Can you ask him how he managed to cloak the ship?
Mitchell: [Daniel shrugs] He says magicians don’t reveal their secrets.

Mitchell: Intel looks good, we’ve got ourselves a space train full of evil Orville Reddenbacher.

Sylvana: Oh, please! You’re not rebels! We’re not deaf, you know. Everyone in this room knows it.
Daniel: That doesn’t matter! You’re hostages! We’re your…we’re your captors! We’re heavily armed! There’s rules! There’s a whole school of etiquette to this!

Seran: Murderous rebels, come in please.
Daniel: Speaking.

Teal’c: [walking away] Ten seconds.
Ba’kad: Where are you going?
Teal’c: I am leaving. You are about to explode.

Landry: Ba’al is *in* Adria?
Mitchell: Yes, sir. It’s the bad guy equivalent of Cordon Bleu.

Mitchell: I’ve said it before, I am for fighting to the death, but we need a plan, preferably one that avoids the ‘to the death’ part.

Mitchell: See, what we need is, we need Superman to fly around the ship really, really fast.
Sam: Oh, if you only knew how ridiculous that was.
Mitchell: No, it only sounds ridiculous ’til you hear yourself say, “I am trapped on a spaceship stuck in a time dilation field.”

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What would the Game of Thrones opening credits look like, if the show was made in the 90s?

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Don’t want to pay for your TV. You’re right! There are plenty of other things to do in life other than watching TV, but if you MUST, here are the top 10 ways to watch free TV online:

1. LinkTV – News, documentaries and cultural programs.
2. BBC – Yes, the netowrk offers many shows for free watching online.
3. wwiTV – Many global channels to choose from.
4. Streamick – A huge selection of channels.
5. BeelineTV – Channels from all over the world.
6. Worldtvpc – Free TV, full episodes of TV series.
7. ChannelChooser – Watch online live TV-channels, movies and videos about entertainment, news, sports, movies, lifestyle, music and more. All free.
8. Crafty TV – An eclectic collection of channels.
9. Channel King – Free TV stations online.
10. NGTV – No good TV. But it’s good.

Also from Mashable – 33 ways to watch free TV online.

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While the price of just about everything headed skyward, paid cable and satellite TV is sometimes one of the first things to go from someone’s budget – there are a lot of people who have taken the big step of getting rid of paid TV in their house and reverting back to antennas or no TV at all.


[35 Ways To Watch Television Without Cable Or Satellite]

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So, you can get the reporter out of the ghetto, but you can’t get the ghetto out of the motherfucking reporter, then? SHIT, biatch!

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